It’s a Wonderful(ly stupid) Life

Trends & Culture - February 11th, 2000
Fun Pundit James Bailey offers a decade-by-decade account of major developments in the broadly defined world of entertainment. All items guaranteed true!!!


Published Besieged; Forced To Beat Off Customers

Jukken Eigo Juku (How How English), written by Koji Nakada, an instructor at Meiji University, instructs readers how to “master English through porno.” Usage of “either-or,” for example, is illustrated with passages from The Youth Lovers: “I want to either put my clothes on or see you take yours off, one or the other.”

Pretty Funny, For A Bucktoothed, Sawed-Off, Short-Dicked, Slant-Eyed Yellow Monkey

Naoki Nozawa, voice-over commentator on local broadcasts of NBC’s “Gong Show,” identifies movies critic Rex Reed as an “okama hyoronka” (faggot critic) and a black a capella singer with a multicolored Afro as a “sooru okama”   (soul faggot).

Nothing Comes Between Me And My Calvins, With The Exception Of Kaoru Ishihara

Yangu Redei magazine introduces Kaoru Ishihara, a Kyoto-based painter and illustrator who, over the course of 20 years, has persuaded 1,1000 women he stops in the street to give him panties they’ve worn.

Toshiro Miffed, Ne?

Upon his return to Tokyo in January from a Hawaiian vacation with his mistress, screen star Toshiro Mifune is informed by his maid that Mrs. Mifune had entertained gentlemen callers at the Mifunes’ Seijo residence.

By his own admission. Mifune then look a paint sprayer, went to his wife’s parents’ house and decorated the place with such graffiti as “pan pan” (prostitute) and “baishunyado no iriguchi” (whorehouse entrance).

Mothers Of Invention

On the bilingual lyric sheet accompanying the ’77 Frank Zappa album, Zappa in New York, the lyric, “I got three beers ‘n a fist fulla downs,” is translated, “I drank three cans, my stomach was full and I fell down.” The lyric, “And she give him some head,” is translated, “And she broke his head.”

On the bilingual lyric sheet accompanying the ’79 Frank Zappa album. Sheik Yerbouti, the lyric, “To spe­cifically happen with a рее-pee that’s snappin/All up inside/ I just want a princess to ride,” is translated. “I want someone who pecks here and there like a small bird: I want someone to use as a horse.” The lyric, “I tell the girls they can kiss my heinie,” is translated. “Approach, and give me a kiss.”

Tokyo Journal & Japan Traveler Cite Major Influences: Oui, Rolling Stones, Nippon Sports

July ’75 issue of Oui, Hugh Hefner’s monthly “For the Man of the World,” profiles Japanese action star Shinichi (“Sonny”) Chiba, identifying him as the 31-year-old son of a Japanese dancer and an American GI. In reality, Chiba is 38, the son of retired test pilot and a housewife, both of whom are Japanese.

Sept. 23,1976, issue of Rolling Stone declares “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” to be “top-rated TV show in Japan.” In reality, the program is broadcast only in the Tokyo area and according lo Nielsen, is watched by only 3% of the total viewing audience.

Nippon Sports reports visiting actress Jodie Foster tells assembled journalist  at a press conference she is currently reading Maugham’s Of Human Bondage. In reality, Foster tells assembled journalists at a puss conference that she is currenlly reading Moliere’s L’Ecole Des Femmes.

Dumbest Movie Subtitle Of The Decade

In “Winter Kills,” Jeff Bridges is told that a homosexual named Joe, in order to avoid paying a debt to his fellow mobsters, “skipped to Cuba, and by the time the boys found him, he was in bed with every faygeleh politician in Ha­vana.” Accompanying subtitle reads: “Joe ran away to Cuba and ingratiated himself with Jewish politicians.”

Oh, Bite Mein Heinie, Krautface

Singer Hans-Jurgen Beyer, intnulmed hy media per­sonality Judy Ongg at Yamaha’s 1976 World Popular Song Festival as “the contestant from East Germany,” pointedly tells the audience that he is, in fact, the contes­tant from the German Democratic Republic. Later in the evening, he is once again introduced as the “contestant from Fast Germany.”


Skin Flicks

Performance artist Shozo Shumamoto launches “Head Movie Art,” projecting self-produced slides and 8 mm. films onto his freshly shaved head.

My Mammae Done Told Me

A woman by the name of Juri the Witch claims to be able to feel and interpret the futures of her male customers when they place their hands on her breasts.

Now Is The Time For All Good Мen То Соme Тo Тhe Аids Of Their Party

Japan’s broadcasters, film subtitlers and magazines respond with concern to reports of an outbreak of a “gay plague” in America. Fuji-TV airs the American sci-fi feature. “Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo,” with the title, “Taranchura: Kyodai Satsujin Kumo Gundan AIDS no Goloku Dai Shurai,” or, roughly, “Taranlula: The AIDS-Like Attack of the Corps of Giant Killer Spiders.” In the film, “Heartburn,” when Washington columnist jack Nicholson accuses wife Meryl Streep of being the source of the rumor that his mistress has “herpes,” the accompa­nying subtitle reads, “AIDS.” And in a four-panel cartoon carried in the Shukan Yomiuri, a Japanese woman, after being warned that “foreigners carry AIDS,” none­theless goes out with a gaijin male, then ends up in a doctor’s office, where she is told that she has tested nega­tive for AIDS, but—punch line—positive for syphillis.

Al Last; America As Number Оne

In 1980, for the first time in three years, readers of the entertainment magazine, City Road, select an American film, rather than a Japanese one, as the worst of the year.

Network Executive To Underling: “I Told You To Get Me An Expert On ‘Erections’, You Foorish Blockhead.”

Anchoriog a TV-Asashi special report on the1983 House of Representatives election is Nagisa Oshima, director of the hard-core “In the Realm of the Senses.”

Likee Soupee?

Morinaga Confectionery introduces Walkie Snacky in ’82.

Jesus Blessed It And Broke It & Gave It To The Dis­ciples Аnd Said, ‘Тake, Eat: This Is My Body; It Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands’

Lotte introduces King of King chocolate in ’83.


The monthly, Smoking: The Magazine for Smoker, carries such regular features as “A Stroll Through Cigarette History,” “Smoking Interview” and “Smoking Comersation.” The regular feature in which celebrities reminisce about the first time they lit up is entitled, “Smoky Talkie.”

If It’s Turds Day, This Must Be Japan

The 1984 release, “Pantsu no Ana,” features: a tough-talking punk who is smacked amiss the face with a doody-encrusted mop; a diarrhetic voyeur who is trapped in a girls’ dressing mum locker, and a feces-tossing free-for-all between rival gangs of young boys, who are subsequently rinsed clean by a large, water-spraying flying saucer.

And If You Think She’s So Unusual, Get A Load Of Epic-Sony

Epic-Sony release Cindy Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” as “Hai Sukuru wa Dansuteria (High School is a Danceteria).

Dumbest Movie Subtitle Of The Decade

In “Action Jackson,” cop Carl Weathers sarcastically tells junkie Vanity; “If they give me any smack, I’ll be sure and save some for you.” Accompanying subtitle reads “If it looks like I’m about to get kissed, save me.”

OK, Hihoshi, Taro, Kenji, Makoto, Junichi—Every­body Join In: “Send Me Off To A Foreign Land To Go And Kill The Yellow Man”

CBS-Sony introduces karaoke version of Bruce Springsteen’s LP, Born in the USA.

322 Curs? O Thought You Said The Movie Had 322 C_nts

Tokyo Shimbun reports that “Caligula,” Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione’s big-budget porn feature, is censored in 332 places in order to comply with local decency statutes.

Contrary To Popular Belief, The Sincerest Form Of Flattery Is Not Imitation, But Micturition

In ‘The Rose,” the line, “Don’t fall down and wet your pants,” is subtitled. “Don’t flatter me.”

And When He Said, “Your Party Stinks,” I Said, “Don’t Fall Down And Wet Your Pants”

Weekly magazine reports that a party game sweep­ing the States consists of blindfolded husbands kneeling in front of seated wives and identifying their spouses by sniffing the air around their vaginas.


Sure Beats Wrestling For The Check

Yoshiba, a restaurant in the Ryogoku area of Tokyo, features a dohyo, or sumo ring, where male and female customers are invited to grapple either before or after their meals.

Pardon Me, Boy, Is That The Minami-Asosui No Umarfrusato Нakusuikogen Station?

Minami-Asosui no UmarerusatoHakusuikogen Station, written with 15 characters, displaces, Chojagahama Shiosai Hamanasu Koenmae Station, written with 14 characters, to become the longest train station name in Japan.

Currently On Exhibition At The Salvador Deli

Artist Tatsuo Majima creates “Tempura Venus” by dipping a miniature of Venus de Milo in tempura batter and then deep frying it.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream At The Very Thought Or Japanese Ice Cream

Japanese confectioners offer kelp-, natto-, sea squirt-, sake-, microbrewery beer-and wasabi-flavored ice cream.

And You Can Also Fell Like A High-Priced Whore On JTB’S Other Great New Package Tour, ‘Round The World, With Heidi Fleiss’

Japan Travel Bureau, in 1991, introduces its $12,350 “Pretty Woman Tour,” offering participants the same luxurious experiences enjoyed by the professional pros­titute heroine of the 1990 film, including a night at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel, a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive by chauffeured limo, a makeover at a posh beauty salon and dinner at a first-class restaurant.

Burpee Seeds + L’eggs = Garden Hose

Vitamin-enriched p.inte how go on sale. Vitamin C capsules, sewn into the  garments, are broken down and absorbed into the wearer’s skin.

Smash Hits

For ¥5,000 an hour, Time Machine, a karaoke bar in Asahigaoka, Yamanashi Prefecture, lets customers re­lieve stress by singing, drinking and breaking vases, dishes and tables.

Speak Low When You Speak Love

Victor Onsen introduces a ¥1,000,15-minute CD that features 5,000 subliminal repetitions of the phrase, “Love me.”

Thank You, Ladies And Gentlemen It’s Really Great To Be Here In Ueno Park With All You Horticultur­ists. And You Know What They Say About Horticulture—You Can Lead A Whore To Culture But You Can’t Make Her Think. But, Seriously, Folks, We Love Nature. In Fact, There’s Only One Thing We Like More Than The Trees Behind Us, And That’s The Bushes On The Young Ladies In Front Of Us. Just Kidding, Girls, But If You Hike Those Dresses Up Any Higher, They’re Gonna Be Ascots. Well, Tonight’s Certainly The Night For Cherry Blossoms—So You Two Pansies In The Back Row Сome Back On Thursday.

For ¥100,000, Office Kitano and Okawa Show Business, two talent booking agencies in Tokyo, provide stand-up comics to entertain al clien-v Wo-som viewing parties.

Dumbest Movie Subtitle Of The Decade

In “Heart Condition,” Denzel Washington shouts at a sleepy Bob Hoskins: “It’s time for you to get your big, fat, extra-crispy bucket of chicken-eatin’, two-liter оf Pepsi-Cola-drinkin’ ass out of bed!” Accompanying subtitle reads: “It’s time to get some super-greasy fried chicken and a big bottle of cola.”

It’s Basically The Same Format Used By Tokyo INTER-FM

Among the 440 cable radio slattoiis available to condo Owners in one section of Osaka are those broadcasting tradi­tional street vendor cries, buzzing cicadas and Buddhist sutras.

It May Lack The Piquancy Of ‘Call Me Ishmael’ Or The Savoriness Of ‘It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times,’ But We Think You Will None­theless Appreciate Its Nutty Flavor

Opening line of ’95 feature-length film, “Kinkyu Yobidashi—Emergency Call”: “Shit, doesn’t he know it’s against the public health code to carry a corpse in a private car?”Shit, doesn’t he know it’s against the public health code to carry a corpse in a private car?Shit, doesn’t he know it’s against the public health code to carry a corpse in a private car?